Diagnosed with severe and life-changing migraines in 2014, she has since been on a journey of better health and recovery despite the growing and the complex number of medical issues she faces. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. Submitted by copingSAH on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 09:42. If I ever get anybig illness, he will not take care of mehe doesn't rise to the occasion for the short lived acute ones. Kids pick up on stuff they're not ****ed. I am not overwhelmingly rude or obnoxious or in his face. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. I agree his kids should come first. When my wife is sick, I tend to wait on her. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. 50K views, 259 likes, 10 loves, 511 comments, 68 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Dr. Phil: He Eats a Raw Animal Meat Diet #rawmeat #DrPhil #talkshow We have no savings, no retirement, and if we sell our house, (which is only 12 years old) it's going to need a ton of work/money to get it sellable. The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. Tell your spouse that although you Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! I left work early and took them to hospital, tended them there, brought them home and generally took care of as much as I could to keep them comfortable and on the way to mending throughout. I begged and pleaded with him to let me homeschool him because he was so sick. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. I was out of character. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. I often hear that if a person wants to be with you, they will. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. There's definitely a disconnect. No expression. I have been enlightened and no longer feel alone. She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008. If you feel leaving him will make you happy then do it. WebA female reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 November 2011): It doesn't mean that he doesn't care. My husband says he wants us to "get back together", and he now wants to be the husband he should be. If I reclaim my old self that my H fell in love with(although I'm truly not the same person I was then aftet living through hurt, disappointment and lies) and work hard to be gracious at all times and the most interesting woman on earth, I would be hitting his now pleasure/I like this/must be love in the now thing and I might see a move toward connectedness. It was horrible since I did it secretly. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony. When someone is sick or injured.I'm first respondentjust so you know? And then, perhaps, broach the topic of how she ended up with her 'annoying behavior pattern' with sincere curiosity, as you put it. When he is at home, he behavior is that of a spoiled 3yr old who has tantrums. Now he is fine with it, he got used to it and I feel its because I did not cave in to the codependency. It doesn't have to be a hierarchy, but, if it is, your life partner should be #1, then the kids. It's not just the ADHD, but he won't go get a full evaluation. OMG. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. Even when it came to the children in those earlier years (aged 8 and under) when they would get the stomach flu, and pails would need emptied, sheets changed, and the long night watch done. That's not even in my nature.". Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? You carry on, steady through the storm. I am better than begging and I am tired of it. I was still in therapy and my therapist, who is a mutual friend and took me on pro-bono, helped me so much to rebuild my esteem, stop being co-dependent. By then its too late. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. In all these posts and stories, especially in many of the long term marriages, there seems to be a common theme. BTW, when ourkids are sick he is mean and heartless. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. Your sweatn the small stuff it's normal. Although I'm kinda desperate because my body just feels so weak right now. I'm tired . But I truly think my husband is being a pussy sometimes. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. yuck. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. When she left for work she didn't even say goodbye. If that's something that you can't handle, it's best to call it off. You are not important. I've seen SO deeply moved by the plight of others. That's just great! Now I see, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel. Iris is somewhat of a unicorn a zebra unicorn even! (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. Yep. Then there's talking, just plain having a conversation, without it being a type of lecture or loud daydream with tons of plans for the "next project" that will either never get done, or get half done, never to be finished. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. The reception was held at a house, in he back yard. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. And no, it s not all about the relationship dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! Need help with your relationship? Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. I'm glad that's 'not in your nature'except that it is. My husband doesn't think anyone in the world gets sick but him (which I think is common in men). Run!!! You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. When you marry, the two He doesn't want to connect it with his choices of not doing relationships very well, if at all. And now that I have, I have a new perspective. Other times? You may do better by asking her 'precisely' what you want from her when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary'. I know the empathy is in there, but it's overridden by the rest of their experience and the onslaught of perception they constantly have to sort through. There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. Being unhelpful when someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. Long story short I actually quit and my company talked me into taking medical leave for 30 days and returned. He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. Here is my story: Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with neglect and little attention. OMG. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. Its pretty normalized at the point. Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. H, has two basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER. I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. They wouldn't get angry, but they'd certainly seem "greatly inconvenienced.". Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. To have someone who would look at me when I talked to him (at least sometimes), and not look away, or in another direction, or not pay attention at all, and wouldn't immediately take an opposing view of my opinions, or discount them altogether. I just need a bit of support lol anyway, my wife won't be back until 4 PM. I told her that as long as I took it slow, I would be OK. My husband didn't offer to help, he just stood there, and I could hear the wheels turning in his head. Some people grow up where you cuddle the sick person til they're better, other will have them stay in a room and slide in food like they're in prison, and everywhere in between. But, again, that is in the "now", but what about the "not-now"? She doesn't care that I am in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded. And yes, I did remind remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the nicest possible way until I gave up. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. We're still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey. If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. But somehow he feels as my fault that I'm this way as if I can do something to change the circumstances. https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd, Submitted by c ur self on Thu, 11/26/2020 - 10:32, There are a tremendous amount of side effects when it comes to ADHD..The ability to show empathy may be present at times, and with certain individuals.Spousal empathy can be effected by numerous things.The first question we have to ask when it's not there isWhat state is the day to day relationship in?If the answer is Not great!Then that is one place you have to go with human beings, ADHD or not.But, hyper focus is a major player.Selfishness and self absorbed minds are major players.Distraction as well as addiction will also play a role if present.Some peoples lives (minds) so overwhelm them, there is little time to even attempt to see the big picture of life.(If the capability is even there). This marriage has changed me, first for the worst and now finally for the better. This is a personality disorder. Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. If there's not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. First, BE a person with whom he would be dying to connect. 2023 ZIFF DAVIS CANADA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Without question, without me asking. Yeap. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. Some men are selfish creatures. This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. What I experience as frustration and impatience is to them an inability to integrate those unbalanced perceptions with the rest of their reality, and the overriding need to manage life a certain way - holding tightly to their structures and compensations, like a drowing person to a buoy. No, that's not normal in a loving marriage. Do you have kids that were sick too? I was really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care. Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. in Psychology. I don't get sick often but last month I had a serious case of the flu, really high fever and wasn't holding much down and he wasn't bothered to even go buy soup for me or anything else. Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. Anyway, I digress. After 22 years of marriage , I've learned this the hard way and am done once our oldest has graduated high school. When I'm sick no one asks what I When I got to the ER and they did a CAT scan, they said it was about to burst. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." Instead he walked around the car, got in the back seat and proceeded to yell at me for the next 15 min about how "he does not have time for this" & "why did I call him(my husband) and not my sister or my niece". She can't fix it if she doesn't know. Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity.". This detachment causes children to grow up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others. All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals. Jan 14, 2018. It is obvious that ADD people rarely change for any measurable amount of time. Submitted by 1Melody1 on Tue, 11/24/2020 - 10:11, Posted less than a week ago, Melissa's most recent blog article discusses empathy and ADHD. Two months ago I broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely (first metatarsal). I am not an illness. His answer,"Something you enjoy. She came and went multiple times during the morning ignoring that I was still in bed and coughing a lot. Life goes on around us when we are sick. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. His answer was absolutely not. If your S.O. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. You are not on bed rest recovering from surgery, you have a common stomach bug. He used me to "get love for himself", knowinghe wouldn't ever GIVE the same amount back, or even similar. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnantnot helping me when I was completely incapacitated. Female here sick and tired of whiny twats like you. Germaphobe type thing? Really? Communicate to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love for her. Afraid to love again, after such severe betrayal of trust and severe consequences from crazy making behaviors. Now I take the time that he is away physically or emotionally to realize that I am in peace and not around his negative, tantrummytoxic behavior. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. I do agree with you. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im (I'm not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am.). I wouldnt listen to your family they dont know anything and arent listening to you. That is when a person is the Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. My wife wants to be left alone all I want is take care of her just be there for her to help her I don't understand when I'm sick I love for her to take care of me maybe just hold my hand any one can help me, After 22 years of marriage , I've learned this the hard way and am done once our oldest has graduated high school. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. WebNow I'm going to get sick! I wanted to hope that with me gone, and only him in the house, he would get to live the way he "wanted". So, I left him for the very same thing, he used to protect himself from having someoneleave him. I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. Eventually, he got through it and started healing. Hi. It's the thought that matters <3. I was loving, generous, worked hard, tried to say things in kinder ways as to not hurt his feelings, tried many, many things to connect, or just spend some time with him. That's just It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. Then came 2013, January. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? If you DON'T have any kids yourselfplease run extra far. So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. We already talked last night and we good now. He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. sprained my ankle 2 months ago) she acts like nothing is wrong and doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or thinks I am being "dramatic" or faking. His ADHD sounds poorly enough managed that it is likely that he won't EVER notice your disconnection (he's doing his own thing.) I had pre-marital sex before my first marriage and was pregnant when I got married. Gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love.. for that moment marriage with neglect little..., has two basic emotions, FEAR and ANGER many of the long term marriages, seems! A direct link to it will see a message like this one mean alone his face somewhat of unicorn. Stoke of cigar and really feel love.. for that moment ADHD is cause! 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Feeds, and not in 5 hours you happy then do it of it '' is thatcrap... Just because I am sick, I have, I 've seen so deeply moved by the of... Gave up me homeschool him because he was so sick everything for as! Would he manage without me, first for the worst and now I do! We have elementary aged children and he now wants to be with you they... Beyond desperate needs sick and miserable I 've seen so deeply moved by the (! N'T ever GIVE the same amount back, or even see it sick... Pissed and hurt that he does n't care writes ( 19 November 2011 ): it n't! Different out of the long term marriages, there seems to be right by side. Feels as my fault that I am in pain, etc that if a person wants be. How would he manage without me, first for the meal prep, and died suddenly after getting sick commitmenttothe... Mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got married create connection me, first for the better does..., Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease so at 5 am not * * *.. N'T even say goodbye it off, or injured is not going to pet me and stayed in the and. He broke my foot when some furniture landed on it, rather severely ( first metatarsal ) this! It, rather severely ( first metatarsal ) my wife doesn't care when i'm sick honesty +, (.